


Personal Gain

by Mina Lightstar (ukefied)



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 07:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukefied/pseuds/Mina%20Lightstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Souji needs a freaking drink.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Personal Gain

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written/posted Oct 2009, for a ficbit meme.
> 
> Technically the pairing is Souji/Rise, except that it's not really the point, perhaps some Yosuke-wishes-he-was-/Souji. I wrote this because whenever I played P4, I got this nagging little voice in my head....

Siegfried flickers out of existence, and Souji glances up in time to watch the Shadows fall. Participating in an eerie dance, the four monsters fold in onto themselves and leak into the 8-bit stone floor, disintegrating. Souji lowers his sword, reaches up to adjust his glasses, and Rise's exclamation of victory rings out.

_"All right, we won! We did it!"_

"Awesome!" Yosuke cries, sheathing his kunai. "Check the spoils, man."

"Heh," Chie quips -- Souji can see her stretching out of the corner of his eye -- "if it isn't a Soma, I'm not interested."

"'Fraid not," the Magician -- Yosuke -- says, kneeling amongst the scattered yen. "Just a lot of cash." He jumps to his feet, holding the pile of yen above his head. "Thou hast earned five hundred yen!"

"Why do Shadows need money?" Rise wonders. The Lovers -- no, Rise -- comes to stand next to him. "I mean, do they look like the types to hit Croco-Fur?"

Souji gives a soft chuckle, and Rise grins up at him. He doesn't feel anything different; he and Rise are as close as is possible.

"Ugh," Chie groans, kicking her left foot into her hand so she can stretch some more. "Haven't we trained enough? This place is giving me a headache."

Souji can't help but agree with her. Mitsubo's game may be nostalgic in some sick way, but there is a reason developers improved upon 8-bit.

"Whaddya say, boss?" Yosuke asks. "Should we head home?"

The Chariot appears in front of him, eyes set to "plead." "Pleeaase?"

_Chie,_ he reminds himself. "Yeah, let's go home."

Rise heaves a sigh of relief. "That's wicked! I have an essay to write."

As the party turns back, Souji thinks to himself, _Yosuke. Chie. Rise. Priestess. Star. Emperor. No!_ He stops short, blinking.

"What's up?" Yosuke wonders.

"Shadows?" Chie asks, and Souji can tell she's braced for a fight.

"... No," he tells them. "It's nothing."

***

He almost wants to tell Yosuke. The shopping district is deserted and quiet, and everyone has gone their separate ways home. Only Yosuke, Teddie, and Souji stroll the streets at sundown, the latter playing the straight man to the others' comedic bickering. As they pass the bookstore, Teddie complains about how much faster it's getting dark. To Souji, the blue light from the mystical door burns even brighter.

"Is something bothering you?" Yosuke asks, suddenly.

"Well, _yeah_ ," Teddie is lacking patience with the Magician, "I just _said_ I don't like that it's getting dark."

"Not _you!_ " Yosuke snaps, equally irritable when it comes to the Star. "Souji, dude, you okay?" In the face of Souji's mild surprise, he winks. "Come on, a guy can tell these things. Something you wanna talk about?"

"Sensei," Teddie butts in, "do you need to vent about something? Are you unhappy? Is it something with Rise-chan?"

"Get lost, bear." Yosuke shoves at the giant fur head, and this devolves into a tussle.

Souji barely notices them, his eyes are trained on the glowing door. The Velvet Room calls to him.

"Don't call me names!" is a distant protest.

"I'll call you whatever I want!" is even further away.

Step by step, the door comes closer. Finally, Souji reaches out.

He doesn't know why they gave him a key, it doesn't work like that. It works like--

***

\-- "Welcome to the Velvet Room."

Gradually, the vertigo fades and the limousine's interior comes into focus. Souji feels the plush velvet seat beneath him, tastes the bourbon he's swallowed. His right thigh is a little cold, and a glance reveals that this is where his drink rests. Almost unconsciously, he lifts the glass to his lips. The ice clinks, and the bourbon burns sweetly down his throat.

Naoto once claimed they were all too young for alcohol, but Souji thinks he deserves a drink; there's a lot going on in his head.

"Feel better?" Igor inquires. He looks elderly and frail, but Souji has never thought of him as such. All the same, Igor leans on his cane as he regards Souji with curiosity. "You want to ask me something."

"Yes." Souji swishes his drink; golden-brown waters coat little glaciers. He considers his many questions, and opts to voice but one: "Am I a bad person?" It's simplistic, but with his masterful wield of expression, Souji can convey just what he means.

"A fair question," Igor acquiesces. He shifts in his seat, reversing his hands atop his cane. "Deserving a fair answer, I would say." Margaret says nothing; she's flipping through the Compendium and her wine glass is half-empty.

"So?" Souji presses.

"Has it been happening often?" Igor tilts his head, regarding Souji with an almost detached curiosity. "Do you often look at your Social Links and see arcanum in their place?"

"Friends," Souji corrects him, almost automatically -- more for himself than Igor. "They're friends."

"Of course," Igor concedes, waving the matter away not unkindly. "And then...?"

Souji drops his gaze, wishes the car would stop, let him out. "It's been happening more and more. Is this what it means to be a wild card? Flexible power at the expense of relationships?"

Igor takes a moment. "This is not a simple query. Look within: what do you feel of late?"

Souji does not anger easily, but he can feel it coming. His breath quickens and his heart tries to keep pace. "I feel like a fraud," he confesses. "A liar, a fake. Ai said something disgusting the other day, and my first thought was, 'what can I say to placate her?' instead of my own opinion." He looks up, locking eyes with Igor. "When I make someone happy, I -- I used to feel good inside. I was happy because I made them happy. And now when I make someone happy, I only see goddamned _Persona!_ "

"The teenage years are an especially difficult time to be a wild card," Igor soothes.

"You're not listening!" Souji accuses, and his grip tightens so much that his glass escapes, spilling bourbon all over the floor. "I want to know if it will always be like this. Do, do I really like Rise, or is the whole thing what _Izanagi_ wants?" He glares, squeezes velvet beneath his fingers.

"Margaret," Igor beckons, "a brandy for our guest."

Souji doesn't want a brandy, doesn't want to use any kind of alcoholic escapism -- but he accepts Margaret the Empress's offer and knocks it back like a pro. She doesn't even have time to sit back down, so she refills his glass immediately. He makes short work of it, too, because he can. The Velvet Room is the one place he can truly be himself now -- the one place without Social Links and Personas, and they're _still_ close by, in that damned book on Margaret's lap. But he can say anything and think anything here, without penalty, and he doesn't care what Igor or Margaret think of him.

This is not the first time he's gotten drunk in the Velvet Room.

"So do I really have friends?" Souji demands -- oh, he has another drink already -- "or is it all just a ploy for my personal gain?"

"You command a startling number of Personas," Igor hedges, "and more still are drawn to you. It's no wonder you are having difficulty discerning which facets are you and which are them."

"That's not even an answer," Souji protests, sinking back into his seat. The brandy is serving its purpose.

"A wild card cannot be trained," Igor apologizes. "He can only learn."

Souji barks a laugh. "And in the meantime, I forget my friends' names and use their feelings as fuel for my own battles."

"Battles for them, no?" Igor wonders. At Souji's puzzled glance, he leans forward. "Aren't you ultimately fighting for them?"

***

"Hello?" Yosuke demands, poking him in the back of the shoulder. "Teddie and I aren't arguing anymore, so you can stop ignoring us, thanks."

"Sensei?" Teddie ventures, poking him in the other shoulder, albeit more gently.

"Huh?" Souji asks, dumbly -- and remembers why he always goes to the Velvet Room alone. He turns to face his friends, but his gaze swims, struggling to catch up with his eyes. "Urp," he says, or something like that, and almost falls back into the door.

Yosuke saves him, reaching out and pulling him back to the world of balance. "Whoa, you okay?"

"You look _beary_ confused," Teddie says, concerned.

" _Stop,_ " Yosuke warns. To Souji, "Dude, you want us to walk you home? You look awful. Which is saying something, because you usually look great -- uh, I mean...."

"Sensei, are you cold? Do you want to wear my suit?"

" _No,_ he does not want to wear your stupid suit!"

"How do you know?!"

"Because he only wears hot clothes!"

"Bear suits are hot!"

Souji suffers these antics silently, supported on each side by one loud-mouthed friend. Without even a word of agreement of dissent, he soon finds himself in front of his uncle's house.

"Welcome home!" Nanako chirps happily, but when she prances over to meet them, she looks worried. "Niisan, have you been out in the rain, again?"

"Hi, Nanako-chan!" Teddie exults from the sidewalk, where Yosuke has insisted he remain.

"Hiii!" she calls back.

Yosuke pats Souji on the back. "Nanako-chan, you wanna run your cousin a hot bath?"

"Okay," she agrees, and is moving before Souji can even thank her.

"There we go!" Yosuke sounds proud of himself. "Everything'll be fine now."

"I helped!" Teddie shouts from outside.

"Yes, you helped," Yosuke calls back.

Souji chuckles, feeling that the whirlwind that is Yosuke-and-Teddie has finally died down. "Thanks, guys," he says.

And then he realizes: he has only thought of them by name since returning from the Velvet Room.

***

He's relaxing on his couch, reading a book about insects, when his phone rings. "Hello?"

"Hi, Senpai," Rise coos. Souji pictures her on her bed, maybe wearing something naughty. "Want me to come over?"

This time, Souji is certain that what he feels is all him. "Thought you had an essay to write?" he teases.

"Finished," she purrs. "So...?"

He grins. "I'll be waiting."


End file.
